Friendship: One of Life’s Greatest Gifts

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. it’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship you really haven’t learned anything”

Muhammad Ali

‘There’s nothing like a really loyal, dependable, good friend. Nothing.”

Jennifer Aniston

 

Everyone needs friends. It doesn’t matter where you’re from, your economic status or your religious convictions. We all need friends. Friends enrich our lives, without them, we live lonely, unfulfilled lives. I consider friendship one of life’s greatest gifts.

What is Friendship?
According to Your Dictionary, friendship is a relationship between people who like each other and enjoy each other’s company.

Most friendships are based on fondness, affection and attachment between two people. Some friendships develop slowly and go through several stages. But sometimes we meet someone and there is an instant connection, you ‘click’, it’s as though you’ve known this person all your life.

So friendships begin and develop in different ways. The duration of friendships also varies; some are fleeting, they last for a short time, others last a lifetime.

Types of Friendships
In his work The Nicomachean  Ethics, Aristotle described three types of friendships.

1. Friendships of utility: In these finds of friendships each party gains some benefit or advantage. It’s a ‘what’s in it for me kind of friendship’; where each party looks out for number one. For example, Jay would write Kay’s term papers in a particular subject, provided Kay gets him a job in her father’s company.

Sometimes in these ‘so-called’ friendships, there is the threat of exposure if one party discontinues the benefit. However, the benefit need not be anything wrong or illegal. It could be something as simple as one friend paying for another’s meals when they eat out and in exchange, that friend does his gardening.

I think the saddest aspect of friendships of utility is that one party may be looking for a genuine friendship, while the other is interested in what he can get out of the friendship. This type of friendship is usually short-lived; it ends whenever the benefit ceases.

2. Friendships of pleasure: this is a type of friendship in which the main purpose is to have fun. People enjoy each other’s company because of the pleasure they derive. For example, people who enjoy going to the movies or parties together or when kids go on play dates. These ‘friends’ usually stick around only for the good times but when adversity strikes they most likely will not be around. These are classic examples of ‘fair-weather friends.’

There is no depth to this type of friendship, it is superficial, as the sole purpose is to have fun. Although people of any age group may engage in this type of friendship, it is most common among children, teens and young adults. As people mature they tend to look for worthier goals on which to base their friendships than simply the pursuit of pleasure.

3. Friendships of the good: The basis of this type of friendship is mutual respect and admiration. People see qualities that they value in a person and this attracts them to that person. The objective here is to pursue true friendship.

This type of friendship takes more time to establish than the two previous types. As it develops, the interactions become deeper and more meaningful. It becomes evident that the person in question is a true friend. This type of friendship is able to withstand the test of time and often last a lifetime.

Levels of Friendship

I believe all the people that we interact with in life fall into one of these categories: strangers, acquaintances, casual friends, close friends and best friend.

Strangers: Strangers are people we do not know therefore we do not interact with them, at least not in meaningful ways. We may exchange a smile or a greeting but then never see each other again. Most people in our lives were initially strangers. With some, we progress to various stages of friendship while others remain strangers.

Acquaintances: Most of the people that we interact with on a daily basis are acquaintances, they are not our friends. If you are a student this includes most of your classmates and other members of the school population. If you work this includes most of the other members of the organization that you work for. Even for churchgoers, most of the members of your congregation are only acquaintances.

The Difference Between Friends and Acquaintances
Interaction with acquaintances may be more than that with friends in terms of volume but the communication is generally ‘business’ related or just chit chat. Acquaintances usually do not discuss their personal lives with each other, friends do. Has something awesome or awful ever happened to you and you called up an acquaintance to celebrate or commiserate? I didn’t think so. Such occasions call for friends.

Casual Friends
Casual friends are people that are closer than acquaintances but are not close friends. This type of friendship often develops out of common interests. You may have met at the gym or at a dance class or at the park with your kids. This common interest provides a foundation for the friendship; a topic to discuss. Other casual friends could be former classmates or work associates or even current ones.

The interaction is not constant and is largely superficial in nature. Casual friends may from time to time meet up and engage in social activities and then they go their separate ways. There are no expectations attached.

Close Friends
Close friends are the people who we actually refer to as our friends. If we are talking about an acquaintance or a casual friend we may say something like ‘I know this lady’ or ‘there is this gentleman who…’, but when the person involved is a friend we simply say ‘my friend.’

Close friends are the ones with whom we share our personal lives. They’re the ones with whom we share both little and big things. We tell them our secrets and expect that they will not share them with others. We turn to them when we are in trouble, and we expect their support. Close friends have our backs. We also share our greatest achievements and our joys with our close friends.

There is nothing superficial about this type of friendship. It involves a deep connection, a special bond between people who really care about each other.

Best Friend
“A good friend knows all your best stories but a best friend has lived them with you.”
Unknown

 

Some people just maintain a circle of close friends, others go further and choose one person to share the closest bond in friendship; that of best friends. A best friend is the ultimate in friends.
The relationship shared between best friends is profound. It is based on mutual admiration and respect, support and trust. Best friends share their deepest, darkest secrets with each other. They are there for each other no matter what. A true best friend will let you know when you are wrong but will then offer his/her full support to help you through the consequences of that wrong.

With a best friend relationship comes expectations of confidentiality, support and constant interaction. When it comes to the interaction, constant is relative; it could be daily, weekly or monthly. As best friends, they would know what is happening in each other’s life and therefore understand when the level of interaction is less than ideal.
Having said that, if six months pass and you have not been able to interact with your best friend, that’s a problem. Why is it a problem? Well because your best friend is who you share most things in your life with. Who goes for six months without having something to share?

Who is your best friend sharing with? Maybe you need to re-evaluate your status as best friend. On the other hand, sometimes your best friend is just caught up with his/her life: a demanding job, family and other responsibilities. Maybe he or she needs your understanding and probably your help or intervention.

On a personal note
I have been blessed to have the same best friend for over three decades. Our friendship formed while we were young adults and has stood the test of time. We have had disagreements like most friends do but we have been able to maintain our friendship because we respect each other and value our friendship. We do not allow disagreements to result in disrespect.
Sometimes, inadvertently we hurt each other. Once we realize, or it is brought to our attention, we express genuine regret and put the incident behind us.

Distance and keeping in touch have been an issue because my friend is busy juggling career, family and other activities and I am a traveler. And I must admit that at times when communication has been sparse or one-sided, I have wondered if I have been forgotten or replaced.

But when we meet it is amazing how we pick up right where we left off, like we never missed a beat. And I ask myself, ‘What was I thinking?’ This makes me realize that the way we relate has evolved over time and most likely will continue to do so. This is a result of the various demands on our time and not a reflection of how we feel about each other.

“True friendship resists time, distance and silence.”

Isabel  Allende
We have shared so much and been through so much together; it creates a very strong bond. Even in times when we are not in contact we still have each other’s backs.

We often communicate in ways that others cannot understand. Just a look or a single word can conjure up a myriad of memories that make us smile, laugh or fight to hold back tears. Others around us may see up ‘cracking up’ with laughter and wonder what is wrong with us because as far as they can tell there is no joke. Of course, they will never understand unless they have experienced that level of connection.

I believe a best friend carries a huge responsibility because whereas we have several close friends we have only one best friend. This friend knows the best and the worst about us and we expect the greatest support from him or her. Close friends are wonderful and I have a few really close ones, some from high school days but there are some situations in which only your best friend will do.

I would like to thank my best friend for being there for me through the years. If I had to choose a best friend right now; I would still choose you.

Changing Criteria for Choosing Friends

Most children choose their friends on the basis of proximity. Your friend was the boy or girl who sat next to you in class or the child who lived next door or maybe the boy or girl that played in the park at the same time that you did. At that stage you didn’t care if your friend was an angel or the devil; all you cared about was playing.

Teenagers and young adults tend to form friendships with people who have similar interests. Those who are scholarly may form study groups with like-minded people. Those who are religious may attend church services together. Care-free, fun-loving teens and young adults may team up with kindred spirits to attend parties, watch movies or engage in whatever activities they find entertaining.

As people mature and understand the importance of choosing their friends wisely and the consequences of not doing so, they tend to choose their friends more deliberately. At this stage consciously or subconsciously we develop certain criteria that our friends must meet. We do not declare someone our friend just because our spirits ‘take’ him or her at our initial meeting. We will only consider that person a real friend when after close observation we are satisfied that he or she meets our friendship criteria.

The Importance of Choosing Friends Carefully

“Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in it continue firm and constant.”

Socrates
It is critical to choose friends wisely. Here are a few reasons why:

• They are a reflection of us – Are you familiar with the old adage “show me your company and I will tell you who you are.” Or the one that says “Birds of a feather flock together.” What they mean is that people will believe we are just like the people with whom we associate.

I know that many, if not most will disagree with this. You feel that your friends do not influence who you are but in my humble opinion, you’re mistaken. It will not be an instant or dramatic change but gradually as you interact with people they ‘rub off’ on you. And guess what, even if you are right that your friends have no effect on you, people’s impressions are more important than the facts. You will be branded as ‘one of them’; right or wrong, fair or unfair.

Even the Bible supports the view that we are influenced by the people with whom we associate. Here’s a quote from 1 Corinthians chapter 15 verse 33. “Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.” That’s the King James Version. Here’s how the Contemporary English Version states it; “Don’t fool yourselves. Bad friends will destroy you.” Need I say more?

• We rely on them for guidance and advice – Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we are unable to think straight. At such times we call on those closest to us; our friends (and family) to provide guidance and advice in making important decisions. We have to ensure that our friends are stable, level-headed and morally sound so they can provide good advice when needed. We cannot expect to get sound advice from people who are frivolous and of questionable character.

• They can have a serious impact on our lives – Our friends can influence us into the paths of success or failure and sometimes life or death. I mean that literally; it’s that serious. Our friends with good values are most likely surrounded by people with similar values. As we interact with them our paths often cross some of these people; their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles or family friends. Sometimes these people become our advisers or mentors or help us to make certain connections that lead to our success.

Unfortunately, the reverse is also true. Friends with the wrong values also surround themselves with similar people. They may emphasize entertainment and fun or worse they may be involved in crime and violence. We may end up just having a life of fun but accomplishing nothing concrete. Sometimes people get injured or even killed simply because they were with the wrong ‘crowd’.

• We are going to share a lot with them – Our friends are a major part of our lives. We share our homes and our secrets with them. We also spend a lot of time interacting with them. It is important that they are honest, loyal, morally upstanding people. We do not want to invite dishonest people into our homes or tell our secrets to disloyal people. Neither is it prudent to spend our time around people with questionable morals.

• We need them to have our backs – We need friends who we can rely on in times of need. Friends who will have our backs no matter what. People who are dependable and trustworthy. Some ‘friends’ will be happy to roll with you in the good times but when things get tough they will disappear. But it is in times when things are not going well that we need our friends the most. We need to know that they will stand with us and support us, no matter what. As the saying goes, ‘In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends.”

Criteria for Considering Someone a Close Friend
The following are elements that I have found to be true in my interactions with close friends:

“True friendship is when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.”

Unknown

• We know each other’s homes – After interacting with someone closely for a long time; like years, I find that there are usually occasions or reasons for that person to visit me and vice versa. Maybe we just want to hang out together, or we could be working on an assignment or one of us is not feeling well and the other visits.

Why is this important? Here’s why: people’s homes are special to them; it is like a haven and they do not share it with everyone. When someone allows you access to his or her home it means that person considers you special, it signifies acceptance. You also don’t visit everyone’s homes, so by visiting you’re affirming that you consider the person to be a special friend.

I’m not saying I have no close friends whose homes I have not visited or who have not visited my home, but I am saying that is the exception rather than the rule.

I am also aware that sometimes a person may be in a situation where he or she is not free to or does not feel comfortable to take visitors home. I am not referring to such situations.

• My family members know my close friends – My family members know most of my close friends and I know their family members. This is largely due to us visiting each other’s homes. In fact, we are sort of integrated into each other’s family, we are accepted as part of the family. This can prove to be a test of the friendship, in that if family members do not like and accept your friends it is difficult to maintain that friendship. It would be uncomfortable to have those friends visit you at home.

When your family likes and accepts your friends it can be taken as validation of your choice of friends.

• We are not afraid or ashamed to ask each other for help or support – When I am in need of help or support in whatever area of my life, I do not hesitate to ask my close friends. If I feel uncomfortable to approach a particular person, that person does not qualify as a close friend. My close friends should also feel free to approach me for help when they need it otherwise I don’t qualify as a close friend.

• We can be our real selves around each other – You know how when you are around certain people you have to be on your best behavior; well you don’t need to do that around close friends. Around close friends we can be ourselves, we don’t have to pretend in any way. We can allow whatever emotion we are feeling to show; happiness, sadness, anger, frustration or guilt without fear of being judged or of being treated differently.

Essential Qualities of Good Friends
As stated earlier, as we mature we develop the criteria for choosing our friends. There are certain qualities that are important to us and our friends must possess at least most of them. I will share with you my criteria, it may not match yours and that’s okay. We are different people with different values so we may consider different qualities important. I am almost certain though that we will have some qualities in common.

Honesty
Clearly, no one wants friends who are dishonest; who will take their belongings without their permission. However, there is another equally important aspect of honestly; the ability to be frank with someone. I need friends who will tell me the truth because I rely on their opinions and advice. I believe most people are like me in this regard.
Don’t tell me something looks or taste good when it doesn’t. You will not be helping by telling me what you think I want to hear. I only want to hear the truth. If it hurts or embarrasses me, it is much better coming from a friend than a stranger.

Trustworthiness
According to the Collins Dictionary, a trustworthy person is reliable, responsible and can be trusted completely. Have you ever heard someone say ‘I would trust him (or her) with my life.’ I want to be able to say that of my close friends and especially my best friend. I would like to know that my friends’ word is their bond.
Everyone has secrets and also the need to share them. I would like to know that when I share my secret with a friend it remains between that friend and me.

Being supportive
I want to be able to call on my friends if I’m in a jam and know that they will help me out as long as it is within their power to do so. In a crisis real friends will drop everything and come to help us. Fake friends will provide excuses as to why they’re unable to help.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes real friends are not in a position to help. If a person has always been there for me but on a particular occasion he or she is unable to help out I would not label that person a fake friend. That would be unfair.

Loyalty
I want friends who will always have my back, no matter what. They will be there through thick and thin. Some people forget about their old friends when they find new ones; that is being disloyal.

Respect
Friends often have disagreements which sometimes lead to fierce arguments. Even at these times, mutual respect prevents them from engaging in name-calling or saying hurtful things to each other. Anyone who does not treat me with respect will not be my friend.

Acceptance
My friends should accept me for who I am. They should not try to change me. If they consider a particular behavior wrong or unbecoming they can ask me to change that behavior. However if a friend constantly asks me to change several aspects of my behavior, it means he or she does not accept me. That person wants me to change the very essence of who I am.
It is also important that my friends accept my decisions without being judgmental; even if they differ from the decisions they would make in similar situations.

Being a Good Communicator
I need friends who are able to communicate well. They must be able to articulate their feelings and needs so that I can understand, in order to provide the necessary support. They must also be ‘all ears’ when I need to vent. Sometimes just having someone who will listen to your problems can be very therapeutic. They don’t need to have solutions. They just need to listen without constantly interrupting and without judging.

Patience
I must admit that unfortunately, patience is not one of my strong points, I struggle with this virtue but I am working on it. However I admire people who are patient and therefore require patience in my friends. Maybe a friend is teaching me a new skill and I am not grasping it as fast as he or she expected, I would want my friend to exercise patience, not to get mad at me each time I make a mistake; even though I am guilty of that at times.
Here’s another instance where patience is required. Let’s say there’s something going on in my life and my friends realize this but I am just not ready to share what it is with them. They should not be quizzing be about it all the time. They should patiently wait until I am ready to share what is going on with them.

Genuineness
To be genuine means to be real or authentic, not fake or counterfeit. I want friends who will show me their real character and not pretend to be what they are not. I want them to show their real feelings, to open up, to be vulnerable with me. This is important in any relationship as it allows people to share deep emotions and to understand each other better. This enables the friendship to grow.

Objectivity
Being objective allows someone to assess a situation dispassionately and come to an unbiased conclusion based on just the facts. I value this quality in friends as I believe it enables them to give good advice, as their judgment will not be clouded by personal biases. They will also be able to take advice or criticism well as they will be able to see the rationale for the advice or criticism.

Positivity
At some point in our lives, we all face difficult times. We feel like we’re in a state of ‘perpetual night.’ In times like those, we need positive people around to remind us that things will get better and to propel us in the right direction to ensure that they do.

A Sense of Humor
This is like a bonus quality for me, in that I will not refuse someone as a friend because of the lack of a sense of humor. However, I would definitely prefer friends with a sense of humor, people who do not take themselves too seriously, as I sometimes do. It’s good to have people like those around, they can help to brighten otherwise dark days. They can make you smile, sometimes even through your tears.

Am I a Good Friend?
Having considered various aspects of friendship, particularly the criteria for choosing close friends and the essential qualities of good friends; let’s ask ourselves: Am I a good friend? Do I meet the criteria I set for my friends? Do I have the qualities I look for in my friends?

Let us examine ourselves and be honest with ourselves. Do we take our friends for granted? Are we always taking and giving nothing in return? Where we’re lacking we know we have to work on bringing ourselves up to par.

Like us, other people have criteria that we must match up to in order to be their friends. If we at least ensure that we master the qualities that we insist on, that will be a good place to start.

What about Online Friends?
I would be remiss if I did not mention online friends. Are they ‘real’ friends? By online friends, I mean friends that we have never met in person. Are fantasy basketball or football games real? No, they are ‘virtual’ games. By the same token, online friends are not real friends, they’re just ‘virtual’ friends.

They serve a purpose in some people’s lives. People who are lonely and maybe don’t have real friends can pass time chatting for hours with online friends. People can discuss problems and find solutions, students can get help with assignments. You may even feel more comfortable sharing your secrets with online friends because they are ‘in another world,’ so you feel your secrets are safe.

The main problem with online friends is that you don’t know them. You have no real way of assessing them. You’ll say you video chat so you can see their reactions but it is really not the same as interacting in person. I suggest that if you have met someone online that you consider a great person, find a way to meet face to face. Until you have met in person be cautious, don’t let down your guard. An online friend can tell you and show you only what he or she wants you to believe, even in a video chat. Face to face you get to examine the person closely, including their body language.

I am sure there are some wonderful people online who will make great friends, but there are also many scammers. I’m just saying be cautious, don’t rush in.

Beware of ‘Friends’ with Agendas
Not everyone who claims to be your friend is your friend. Some people are just ‘into’ you for what they can get. If you’re wealthy, influential, highly skilled in a certain field or vulnerable these ‘so-called’ friends may target you. Remember friendship of utility; that’s what they’re interested in.

If someone does not spend time with you but only comes around when he or she wants something, consider this a red flag. Another red flag would be if that person is never able to assist when you are in need. If you recently met someone and that person seems overly anxious to get into you that could also be a sign of an ulterior motive.

We all need friends and so sometimes we overlook or miss the warning signs that someone is not a real friend. Even if you are lonely, the last thing you need is someone who will use and abuse you, so be sure to look out for these and other red flags.

Take-a-ways
1. We all need friends, they help to enrich our lives.
2. We must choose our friends wisely, they impact our lives positively or negatively.
3. Be the friend that you would like to attract.
4. Tread cautiously with online friends.
5. Beware of friends who just want to use you.

I hope you all found something useful here, something that will have a positive impact on your friendships and on your lives. I will be working to make myself a better friend; I encourage you to do likewise. I wish you wonderful, long-lasting friendships.

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