Choosing a Life Partner
“I couldn’t have dreamed you into existence because I didn’t even know I needed you. You must have been sent to me.”
Choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll make. Your choice will impact all aspects of your life. The right choice potentially leads to happiness and fulfillment, the wrong choice to misery and regret.
The magnitude of the decision means that it should be approached with wisdom and diligence. When purchasing assets that require large financial outlays, like a house or a car, we put a lot of effort into making sure that these assets are just right for us. Why should we do any less when it comes to a life partner?
In this post, we will discuss some key elements to consider when choosing a mate.
First, know yourself
Before you go searching for someone to spend the rest of your life with, you need to know yourself. Find a quiet place and do some deep reflection. Think about how you grew up, your life experiences to date, your achievements, your likes and dislikes, your dreams and aspirations. What makes you tick? What values do you hold dear?
Once you know who you are deep inside, you can begin to think about the qualities you need in a mate. Ask yourself what type of person will accept you as you are.
Physical Appearance
Physical appearance is usually the first point of attraction. For some, it’s a pretty or handsome face or a good body. But that’s not what I am referring to here; I simply mean how a person carries his or her self. Are clothes clean and properly pressed? Hair well-groomed, skin properly moisturized, not looking dry and chapped. You are going to spend a lot of time with this person, often in public. You want to feel comfortable, proud even, knowing that your mate looks great. Even when you are not with your partner, he or she represents you, is a reflection of you.
Look beyond the physical
When you’re happy with the physical appearance it’s time to dig deeper. Have you ever received a gift that looked so beautiful, so perfectly wrapped, that you couldn’t wait to open it? But when you opened it you were totally disappointed, because inside was something crappy. You also want to know who your potential partner is deep inside. Is he or she loving, kind and considerate? Or is this person selfish and uncaring? Observe the person when he or she is unaware that you are observing. That way you will see the real person, otherwise he or she may fool you by putting on a show for you.
Good Communication Skills
The ability to communicate effectively with your partner is vital. Many conflicts are born out of misunderstandings, either because someone did not explain well or someone failed to understand. Communication is twofold; a person should be able to explain what he or she means and also to understand what the other party is trying to put across. You and your partner should communicate well in good times and especially in bad times. If there is disagreement or discontent, you and your partner must be able to lay it all on the table. What is the cause of the problem? Did you do or say something that hurt or offended him or her? How did what you did or said make him or her feel? What can you do to resolve the problem?
Sometimes conflicts linger on and on because of lack of clarity about what the issues are. Having a partner who is able to communicate his or her needs clearly will reduce conflict in your relationship.
Another instance when your mate’s ability to communicate is important is when visiting functions at friends or relatives. You need to know that your partner will be able to hold his or her own in conversations on various topics. It will be a source of embarrassment to you if your mate clams up or worse opens his or her mouth and garbage comes out.
Let me point out though, that communication issues may not be easy to detect early in a relationship and may only surface later when you and your partner actually live together. You will need to pay close attention to how your partner communicates so you will catch any sign that he or she lacks communication skills.
Shared values
Shared values are a key ingredient to a successful relationship. Early in the relationship this may not seem so important but later, particularly if children are involved, it becomes critical. If you have contrasting religious and political views and ideas about children’s upbringing, chances are you will be in a constant tug-of-war. This will place a strain on your relationship and a burden on the children, as they may constantly have to choose sides, especially as they grow older.
It is wise to choose someone with similar values because even if one party agrees to change in order to make the relationship work, that person will not feel good about doing so. The person’s values did not change, a compromise was made. In the future, if those values are threatened, the person will defend them. For example, someone who grew up in a religious home and went to church regularly would want his or her children to have a similar experience. If the mate is opposed this would most likely result in conflict.
Common Interests
Common interests make it easy to spend more quality time together. Do you like the same sports, same type of movies, same kind of music, or same type of food? If so, it’s great for your relationship. You can relax and watch a game or a movie, listen to some music or eat out at your favorite restaurant. You can also spend time discussing these things; this creates more intimacy and leads to growth in the relationship. If you do not have common interests, what will you talk about? Where will you go together? Will both of you always go out on your own or will you tag along with each other because you both feel obliged to do so? Neither scenario is healthy for your relationship.
Dependability
You need a life partner that you can depend on. Someone that you can trust to do what was promised, someone whose word is his or her bond. This is another one of those qualities that will be tested more as the relationship ages. When you start living together, for instance, maybe your mate is responsible for paying the electricity bill. Can he or she be depended on to do it without fail so that you never lose your electricity? If your job sometimes takes you out of town overnight, can you rest assured that he or she will be faithful in your absence?
Vulnerability
Vulnerability means that a person opens up to another human being, showing all his or her deepest feelings; love, fears, dreams, strengths and weaknesses. It takes real love and trust to be vulnerable because vulnerability opens a person to hurt. But when two people love each other such vulnerability leads to great intimacy. Just knowing that your mate trust you enough to open up to you like that is enough to make you love him or her even more.
Ability to cope with adversity
Most people face adversity at some point in their lives. It helps to have someone by your side who will be strong enough to help you through it. It’s easy to be a great mate during the good times but when adversity strikes that’s when his or her real character will be revealed. Some people will wilt under the pressure, others will ride out the storm and come out of it stronger.
Having a sense of humor
A sense of humor is a very important quality in a mate. Choose a mate who does not take himself or herself too seriously. You should be able to poke some fun at your mate every now and then without him or her taking it personally. Sometimes a sense of humor can diffuse a tense situation or brighten a dull day. This is a quality that can help to keep a relationship fresh.
Consider Age
Many people who choose mates who are significantly younger or older justify their choices by quoting the old adage “Age is just a number.” Caught up in the euphoria of a new romance most people do not consider the implications of these age differences 15 or 20 years later. When one party is still in his or her prime and the other has long past that stage that’s when reality sinks in. The younger party now feels the need to be with someone closer to his or her age; someone who looks more youthful and has the ability to match his or her energy levels; particularly in bed. This may result in either cheating or a total break in the relationship.
Women need to be particularly careful in this regard. Consider this scenario; a 45-year-old woman marries a childless 35-year-old man, who wants children. What do you suppose the most likely outcome would be if she is unable to have a child? I think he would find someone who can. This will either mean the end of the relationship or constant strife.
Consider sexual preference
These days the fact that someone wears a dress does not necessarily mean she’s a woman nor does the fact that someone wear trousers make him a man. Some people find it necessary to hide their sexual preference. One of the most effective ways in which someone who prefers same-sex partners hides this fact is by marrying someone of the opposite sex. This is done as a cover and the unsuspecting partner is usually devastated when he or she uncovers the truth. This will not be easy to find out as someone will be deliberately trying to deceive you. You have to keep your eyes open and look for mannerisms and other traits which are abnormal for someone of your partner’s gender.
As you make your choices remember, this is a decision which will affect all aspects of your life and that of your children. It’s much more important than choosing a car or a house. Do not allow yourself to be blinded by love or by anything else. Happy choosing! Best of luck!
Enlightening
Thanks Richard, happy that you were enlightened.